Learning

Being true especially to yourself wouldn’t hurt, to cry and feel sad makes us human, and it wouldn’t make us less of a person that we are. But to pretend that we are happy even when we are not is not being BRAVE–it is weakness. Weakness that you cannot bear to accept how you are feeling at the moment. Be Brave , Take Courage to say “Yes, I’ve been having a hard time but look, I am learning- I am now discovering a part of me that no one has ever discovered!” Learn from it, and from there we can never Judge people (because we aren’t entitled to be a judge—hahaha! I’m joking please laugh. ) on what or how they feel. Instead, let’s give them a comforting shoulder to cry on, not just a listening ear, but a welcoming heart.

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Tapang

Kasalanan ko. Kasi bumitaw ako kaagad sa mga panahong dapat ipinaglaban kita. Sana mas inisip kita kaysa sa sarili ko pero sa halip ay iniwan kita. Lahat ng alaala ay tila bumalik. Naalala ko papaano mo ako sinuyong muli pero hindi ako nakinig, inisip ko lang yung sarili ko at binalewala ko yung mga nararamdaman mo. Paano ako hihingi ng isa pang pagkakataon kung inuunahan ako ng takot- takot na maari ako naman ngayon ang uuwing luhaan dahil maaring ito na ang aking Karma. Ang daming gumugulo sa isip ko ngayong nandito kanang muli. Hindi kaya pinaglalaruan mo ang damdamin ko para ika’y makaganti sa sakit na naidulot ko sa’yo nang iwan kita? Sana malaman mo na hindi rin naging madali ‘yon para sa’kin, dahil nung mga panahong iyon ay hindi na kita kilala: nawala na yung dating masiyahing tao na nakilala ko, natakot ako para sa sarili ko at sa magiging kalalabasan ng ating relasyon. Oo, inisip ko kaagad sarili ko bago ko tinanong sa sarili ko kung bakit ka nagka-gano’n. Sana narito ka’t nakikinig sa mga salitang binibigkas ng mga labi ko sa mga oras na ito. Nagsisisi ako kung bakit hindi ko masabi lahat ng nararamdaman ko sa’yo sa tuwing tayo ay magkaharap. Ayokong lunurin ka ng mga paliwanag ko at baka nga hindi mo na ring kelangan pa. Mahirap  naman talagang masabi ‘yung mga salitang gano’n lalo na kapag totoong nararamdaman mo yung bawat salita, nararamdaman ng bawat hibla ng pagkatao mo yung mga letrang binibigkas mo, kaya alam kong maiintindihan mo kung bakit kahit sa sarili ko, hindi ko maamin at tila pilit ko ring dinideny kasi nga baka ayaw mo na nga, at baka nga hindi na ako karapat-dapat sa kadahilanang nasaktan na kita nung una. Oo nga naman, bakit mo nga pa nga ba pagbibigyan ng pagkakataon ang isang tulad ko na saktan ka pang muli?

Umaasa ako’t nag-iilusyon na nararamdaman mo rin ang nararamdaman ko ngayon: gustong-guto kitang yapusin ng mahigpit, gusto kong makasama ka sa bawat sandali, sa bawat paghinga ko, sa pagtulog at paggising ko. Sana tama ang aking nararamdaman. Gusto kong magsimulang muli, pero papaano? Matatanggap mo pa bang muli ang tulad kong napapraning kapag wala ka sa tabi ko ngayon? Sana balang araw, mabigyan naman ako ng kinakailangan kong katapangan nang masabi ko ito sa’yo lahat. Sana …

Free-floating Soul

I feel like a feather, being flown to where the wind brings me. It feels like freedom: spontaneous and exciting. My mind is like a book, with no words on it. Letting the “reader” make their own story. I’ve been a songwriter for 10 years now but there’s still no song that really expresses how I feel. How I felt when I first laughed , first kiss, first love. I have been trying but there seem to be one lacking ingredient that could complete the potion and make myself believe that I have been there; or  the least dreamed to be there.

Sometimes I feel different from everyone. I feel like I think differently from most of the people around me. Sometimes I don’t want to share what’s on my mind-fearing they will judge me. There’s this one girl from my past who constantly reminds me who I was. She sends me books, four, five, six pages of letters, poems about me and she always tells me that I am the reason an editor exists. I strongly feel she can understand me, we have that connection like a soul-sister. Too bad, she is miles away from me.

I have to create a world of my own. A world filled with things only I can understand; my songs, my stories, my poems. In that way I feel okay. I feel fine, I feel human  more than just breathing.

As I sit awkwardly, on this hard surface-cold like a granite stone left for a decade on a freezing porch, I was thinking if I can be blown away again by the wind to a place I can be certain of. A place somehow I was or I have been dreaming of, and finally gets my rest on a warm, soft, gentle and accepting palm.IMG_20140801_040529